Sooo i lovee sleepingg ! but its SOOO HARDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!
I have sleeping problems. im about to tell you about them so if you dont care , stop reading.
It takes me about 2 hours to actually fall asleep , it can be completely dark and not a sound in the room and nothing botherng me but i still wont be able to sleep i have nooo idea why. I get liek super long charlie hprses that last anwwhere from 30 seconds to 20 minutes and they are horrible horrible pains liek you have no idea how bad they hurt i cry every time after they happen. I dont know why i get these pains either. When i do get them it feels like i cant move my legs at all and if i do they will snap off or something but then at the same time the only way to get rid of it is to move my legs and OMFG does it hurts ! I want to scream and freak out everytime but when they happen its like i loose my voice completly and cant scream like i dont even try , but i want to sooo badd !! I also get extremly scared at night because well its dark and millions of bad things happen in the dark and i get very scared something or someone will get me. I need someone that can sleep with me everynight to keep me safe so i dont have to worry abny more and sleep under the covers. This sounds rediculous and crazy chuldish but yeah i do still think there are mosters under my bed and i beilive every bit of it. About once a month i will wake up in the middle of the night anywhere from 2-5 am with an super incredilbe horrible headache where i cant move or rest my head on a pillow or open my eyes becase the pain is so bad , and all i can do is sit up and lean against the cold wall untill i fall alseep again . So these are a few of my many sleeping problems. Well i hope that you will atleast have a better sleep than i will :)
Monday, February 21, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Its morning,
I love my boyfriend <3 .
I dont really have anything in particular to blog about.
Today i didnt really do a whole lot i slept in till like 11 or 12 i can remeber than cleaned my room and all ofter noon i played qwii fit and rock band with a friend of mine and the walked around town for an hour or so then went for a nice cruise with a friend . Im not really looking ofrward tomorrow yet i am , i have to work tomorrowbut its only for four hours so ill survive , we have new shirts to wear this month and well atleast they are better than the green ones the ones we have to wear know are black yellow and orange kinda weird looking but im okay with this. Monday is a holiday , thank goshh i cant wait, not that i have any plans or anything but im sure i will find something to do. Ive been working out a lot lately and i love it becuase when im fisnished working out i feel so happy and proud of myself and jsut overall goodness but it does make my body hurt cause like two days ago i thought i broke my armpit but it turns out thats kind of impossible :P who would of known . and now my lower legs hurt but its all for the best :). Im currently drinking water with a straw and there is lipstick all over the straw now and no longer remaing on my lips. I will be glad to tell you that i havnt cut myself in almost a week :). My nails need to be repainted. Here are some things about mee...
TEN THINGS ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE
1. I dont really believe in love at first sight.
2. I do believe in soul mates.
4. I have been strongly hurt emotionally by love before.
5. Ive broken someones heart before and it feels terrible :(
7.I have liked someone and never had the courage to tell them
8. Im not afraid of commitment.
9. The last person i said i love you to was i think my mother or father.
10. Im in love with the most amazing man.
I would much rather have happiness than money any day. I prefer the nighttime to day time most offen. I have been skinny dipping before. I have never finished a large jawbreaker before, but i am wokring on one at he moment. I have a pet fish once for 2 days and yes i did cry when it died. Ive tried running away from home more than 12 times. The last person i called on my cell phone was my boyfriend. The last person to sleep beisde me in my bed would be Ashley. I dont like crying infront of people and can even remeber the last time i did , i prefer to cry alone becusae otherwise people jsut ask millions of questions and make it worse id rather jsut have somone put there arm around me and understand whithout asking. I would rather have two best friends that 10 acqaintances. I almost always drink milk before i go to bed. I cannot raise one eyebrow. I dislike my sheets and blankets being tucked in and i dont like sleeping with the top sheet on , i also sleep under the covers becuase im terrifed of what will get me , yeah i relize blankets arnt much protection but its better than nothing. I am a veryyy picky eater, and i eat very few meats. Right now im wearing penguin pajams pants with a hoel in the knee that i got during an intese guitar solo sliding across the floor.
I dont really have anything in particular to blog about.
Today i didnt really do a whole lot i slept in till like 11 or 12 i can remeber than cleaned my room and all ofter noon i played qwii fit and rock band with a friend of mine and the walked around town for an hour or so then went for a nice cruise with a friend . Im not really looking ofrward tomorrow yet i am , i have to work tomorrowbut its only for four hours so ill survive , we have new shirts to wear this month and well atleast they are better than the green ones the ones we have to wear know are black yellow and orange kinda weird looking but im okay with this. Monday is a holiday , thank goshh i cant wait, not that i have any plans or anything but im sure i will find something to do. Ive been working out a lot lately and i love it becuase when im fisnished working out i feel so happy and proud of myself and jsut overall goodness but it does make my body hurt cause like two days ago i thought i broke my armpit but it turns out thats kind of impossible :P who would of known . and now my lower legs hurt but its all for the best :). Im currently drinking water with a straw and there is lipstick all over the straw now and no longer remaing on my lips. I will be glad to tell you that i havnt cut myself in almost a week :). My nails need to be repainted. Here are some things about mee...
TEN THINGS ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE
1. I dont really believe in love at first sight.
2. I do believe in soul mates.
4. I have been strongly hurt emotionally by love before.
5. Ive broken someones heart before and it feels terrible :(
7.I have liked someone and never had the courage to tell them
8. Im not afraid of commitment.
9. The last person i said i love you to was i think my mother or father.
10. Im in love with the most amazing man.
I would much rather have happiness than money any day. I prefer the nighttime to day time most offen. I have been skinny dipping before. I have never finished a large jawbreaker before, but i am wokring on one at he moment. I have a pet fish once for 2 days and yes i did cry when it died. Ive tried running away from home more than 12 times. The last person i called on my cell phone was my boyfriend. The last person to sleep beisde me in my bed would be Ashley. I dont like crying infront of people and can even remeber the last time i did , i prefer to cry alone becusae otherwise people jsut ask millions of questions and make it worse id rather jsut have somone put there arm around me and understand whithout asking. I would rather have two best friends that 10 acqaintances. I almost always drink milk before i go to bed. I cannot raise one eyebrow. I dislike my sheets and blankets being tucked in and i dont like sleeping with the top sheet on , i also sleep under the covers becuase im terrifed of what will get me , yeah i relize blankets arnt much protection but its better than nothing. I am a veryyy picky eater, and i eat very few meats. Right now im wearing penguin pajams pants with a hoel in the knee that i got during an intese guitar solo sliding across the floor.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
:'(
This photo is absoululty horrify and scares me everytime i see it.
" PULITZER PRIZE " winning photo taken in 1994 during the Sudan famine.
The picture depicts a famine stricken child crawling towards an United Nations food camp, located a kilometer away.
The vulture is waiting for the child to die so that it can eat it. This picture shocked the whole world. No one knows what happened to the child, including the photographer Kevin Carter who left the place as soon as the photograph was taken.
Three months later he committed suicide due to depression.
Love.
Love is the best thing that has happened to me.
I love this one boy , named cody bell. Okay so hes not just any boy, hes the most amazing one EVER!
What is love ? Is one of the most diffucult questions for mankind.
For me love was friendship set on fire. It started with an amazing friendship and bestfriend and led to an even better relationsip and boyfriend. Love gives you a feeling you just cant discribe well enough no matter how i type it or how you reead it , it will be no where close to how i feel it. Its about careing so deeply about someone and wanting to spend everymoment of your life with them and never letting go. Love is detticating your heart and soul into the person you love.
It's to be said that your heart is the size of your fist. It may physically be that size , but its deffinelty not emotionally. I once thought that i was in love with my friend Dan last year , boy was i wrongg. I really thought what i was feeling was love and it jsut may of been , just a different kind. This love , the love that i feel every second of the day , every heart beat, every pulse is l-o-v-e , it cant be said any more clearer than that. This is really true love. They say you will never forget your first love that you will always think about it even after its happend and you have moved on, i wont ever forget becuase i plan on this , my first love , being my first and only love.
Valentines day.
I used to think that it was jsut an excuse for stores to get more money, and that it was pointless. Now , well its starting to mean something to me. Yes , i still think its not really a holiday and thats its kinda dumb becase i think that you should be showing your love for everyone everyday. But im getting in the spirit of it all :) i still dislike it though.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
You cant help me,
I just sneezed , and thankfully im not oging to go tel hell :) also cant you see im a good typer today :P
I hatee my hair so much.
I also dislike when a door is closed and soeone comes in then leaves and LEAVES IT OPEN !
I wish it was summer so i could go to the beach and go swimming and tan , get none of my friends like going to the beach so well it rarely ahppens and i usally end up laying on my trampoline with the sprinkler under it, yeah lame i knoww.
The marks on my wrist are almost all gonee.
I now take five pills a day.
I hate fashion.
I love those hard candy hearts , theres also another hard thing i like but i wont speak of that ;)
I love how my boyfriend can see me at my worst and still love me.
Today i slept till 2 in the afternoon.
I wish i wasnt put down as much as i am.
Its shouldnt be called backtalking or bitching , when your standing up for yourself.
My back realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hurtsssss!
I was recently asked to prom by a friend.
How do my bobbypins always disapear ?
I really have nothing to write about at all.
My back still hurts.
I smell really good right now.
I Still sleep with a teddy bear , many of them.
If i was put in a forest and didn't know where i was and had limited things , the first thing i would die of would be being alone, i would die of this way before starvation if i only had one can of food , or beaing eaten by a bear. It would still be loneyless. My absoulutle worst fear is being alone , you have no idea how much it terrify me every moment. I live liveing in fear. Im not scared of the dark , im scared of things in the dark , liek creatures and people , mainly when my mind runs wild.
Im scared of my imagination.
I hatee my hair so much.
I also dislike when a door is closed and soeone comes in then leaves and LEAVES IT OPEN !
I wish it was summer so i could go to the beach and go swimming and tan , get none of my friends like going to the beach so well it rarely ahppens and i usally end up laying on my trampoline with the sprinkler under it, yeah lame i knoww.
The marks on my wrist are almost all gonee.
I now take five pills a day.
I hate fashion.
I love those hard candy hearts , theres also another hard thing i like but i wont speak of that ;)
I love how my boyfriend can see me at my worst and still love me.
Today i slept till 2 in the afternoon.
I wish i wasnt put down as much as i am.
Its shouldnt be called backtalking or bitching , when your standing up for yourself.
My back realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hurtsssss!
I was recently asked to prom by a friend.
How do my bobbypins always disapear ?
I really have nothing to write about at all.
My back still hurts.
I smell really good right now.
I Still sleep with a teddy bear , many of them.
If i was put in a forest and didn't know where i was and had limited things , the first thing i would die of would be being alone, i would die of this way before starvation if i only had one can of food , or beaing eaten by a bear. It would still be loneyless. My absoulutle worst fear is being alone , you have no idea how much it terrify me every moment. I live liveing in fear. Im not scared of the dark , im scared of things in the dark , liek creatures and people , mainly when my mind runs wild.
Im scared of my imagination.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Shit is happening.
Soo where to startt ??
The past few days i have been hanging out with my boyfriend and well he really likes to be touching me ( non dirty! ) like as in holding and cuddleing and well it makes me feel extremly happy, but sad. Ive observed that his family is very touchy over all like they all sit together on the couch , share things , and cuddle. This make me get a happy feeling knowing they all love eachother and can share moments but also makes me extremllyyy sad becuase my familey welll... i havnt been hugged by my mom or dad in like well forever and havnt heard i love you in well forever , i say it all the time but they ignore it , honestly i think they are afraid to say it back :( If i where to try and hug one of my parents they would suddenlyy have something exremtly important to do they didnt have a second ago, like what kind of family is this ?! When i was laying on his bed last night with him i coudnly help but want to cry , and i almost broke out into tears a few times its was pretty hard to hold it in. Its jsut all the touching and how he makes me feel loved it so amazing like ive never had anyone make me feel this way before and idk its really hard to explain , like he actaully caress and loves me and its so amazing becasue ive never really had that before. I mean my parents say they care but its not actaully shown or expressed, but this is. Im just confused after all the hate i have been giving why i suddenly am getting so much love ? Its really hard for me to understand and deal with because well i dont know how to deal with it or what to do , ive never had this before.
Last night , i got home 2 MINUTES LATE , i walk in the door take my boots of and walk into the living room , my dad demands to have my phone and that i shut it off , so i dont question it and try and turn my phone off, my phone takes like three trys to turn it off because its fagtarted but like not even 10 seconds from him asking to have my phone im all ready being called a bitch and brat and all the names in the book becasue i took 10 seconds to turn my phone off , i didnt even question him or talk back. I go upstairs crying my eyes out like mad becuase i dont know what ive done to be treated this way, only to see my mom upstairs on the computer as i walk by , she comes into my room to ask whats wrong and i reply saying that dad took my phone, my mom goes down stairs and asks him why and his rely is " BECASUE SHE WAS TWO MINUTES LATE AND SHES A FUCKING ASS BITCH " yeah thats right those exact words. My mom tells him he is being absoultly rediculous that he needs to stop sweating alll the little things and that i wasnt late at all and he shoudnlt of done that becuase i wasnt late and even if i was he cant do that. well to bad for nme he all ready had. My mom then got my phone back and well , my dad has hid the battery. i have it back now , and still havnt talked to him since last night becuase im afriad to because ever time i open my mouth i am critisized. I relly dont think he should be allowe4d to take my phone at all since i am the one who bought it and pays for it but i dont agrue it just gets me into my shit. While im rambaling on about how much I FUCKING HATE MY FATHER im actually embarrsed to even call him that.
Today i got a huge hate e-mail from an old friend saying that she is going to punch my sister head in if she dosnt stop all her facebook fights and stuff, reallyyy?!?!?! Why are you talking to me about this and not her ? deal with your own fucking problems. I cant controll what my sister does on facebook! Uhgg and why bother getting me involved , its jsut going to make this a bigger scene. lay off its facebook.
Your probaly reading this thinking that im being all dumb , because i actually cry about things , well get over yourself i cry, its what humans do.
I try my absoulute best to not bring people to my house when my family is home , becuase im afraid of them yelling at me while people are over , because they will and they have, if i do the tinyest thing wrong or out of order ill be bitched at for like 20 minutes over it and well i dont want people seeing how big of a screw up i am.
Dear life , im sorry.
The past few days i have been hanging out with my boyfriend and well he really likes to be touching me ( non dirty! ) like as in holding and cuddleing and well it makes me feel extremly happy, but sad. Ive observed that his family is very touchy over all like they all sit together on the couch , share things , and cuddle. This make me get a happy feeling knowing they all love eachother and can share moments but also makes me extremllyyy sad becuase my familey welll... i havnt been hugged by my mom or dad in like well forever and havnt heard i love you in well forever , i say it all the time but they ignore it , honestly i think they are afraid to say it back :( If i where to try and hug one of my parents they would suddenlyy have something exremtly important to do they didnt have a second ago, like what kind of family is this ?! When i was laying on his bed last night with him i coudnly help but want to cry , and i almost broke out into tears a few times its was pretty hard to hold it in. Its jsut all the touching and how he makes me feel loved it so amazing like ive never had anyone make me feel this way before and idk its really hard to explain , like he actaully caress and loves me and its so amazing becasue ive never really had that before. I mean my parents say they care but its not actaully shown or expressed, but this is. Im just confused after all the hate i have been giving why i suddenly am getting so much love ? Its really hard for me to understand and deal with because well i dont know how to deal with it or what to do , ive never had this before.
Last night , i got home 2 MINUTES LATE , i walk in the door take my boots of and walk into the living room , my dad demands to have my phone and that i shut it off , so i dont question it and try and turn my phone off, my phone takes like three trys to turn it off because its fagtarted but like not even 10 seconds from him asking to have my phone im all ready being called a bitch and brat and all the names in the book becasue i took 10 seconds to turn my phone off , i didnt even question him or talk back. I go upstairs crying my eyes out like mad becuase i dont know what ive done to be treated this way, only to see my mom upstairs on the computer as i walk by , she comes into my room to ask whats wrong and i reply saying that dad took my phone, my mom goes down stairs and asks him why and his rely is " BECASUE SHE WAS TWO MINUTES LATE AND SHES A FUCKING ASS BITCH " yeah thats right those exact words. My mom tells him he is being absoultly rediculous that he needs to stop sweating alll the little things and that i wasnt late at all and he shoudnlt of done that becuase i wasnt late and even if i was he cant do that. well to bad for nme he all ready had. My mom then got my phone back and well , my dad has hid the battery. i have it back now , and still havnt talked to him since last night becuase im afriad to because ever time i open my mouth i am critisized. I relly dont think he should be allowe4d to take my phone at all since i am the one who bought it and pays for it but i dont agrue it just gets me into my shit. While im rambaling on about how much I FUCKING HATE MY FATHER im actually embarrsed to even call him that.
Today i got a huge hate e-mail from an old friend saying that she is going to punch my sister head in if she dosnt stop all her facebook fights and stuff, reallyyy?!?!?! Why are you talking to me about this and not her ? deal with your own fucking problems. I cant controll what my sister does on facebook! Uhgg and why bother getting me involved , its jsut going to make this a bigger scene. lay off its facebook.
Your probaly reading this thinking that im being all dumb , because i actually cry about things , well get over yourself i cry, its what humans do.
I try my absoulute best to not bring people to my house when my family is home , becuase im afraid of them yelling at me while people are over , because they will and they have, if i do the tinyest thing wrong or out of order ill be bitched at for like 20 minutes over it and well i dont want people seeing how big of a screw up i am.
Dear life , im sorry.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Serious things.
So if you dont care then stop reading..
Ive been really depressed just recently , well i always have been sicne like grade nine i even take gay ass pills which i dont really take because they are ssupposed to make me happy and they actually work i just hate takeing them because i feel like they make me someone who im not. Inn grade nine i was jsut always really depressed about alot of shit and things werent the greatest for me and i always talked about how i was going to commit suiceide but the one time my mom really got me mad i accidently said it out loud and then she starting thinking i needed a ounsiler or whatever a person you talk to about this stuff but that didnt help me at all i hated it so much, telling a random person you jsut met all about yoour life in detail isnt my thing. Grade ten came along and i was sstill a bit troubled by all this but overall i was really happy bout things, and now here i am in grade eleven and well really i have all a person could ask for, my family loves me (minus all the times i get bitched at) , i have a lot of friends and they are amazing , and i have the ideal boyfriend everygirl asks for. So whats wrong ? I HAVE NO IDEA! really i dont know and it dirves me nuts knowing im depressed about things and cut myself and i dont know why i do liek there really is no reason , okay well theres like a million things wrong with my life but there nothing to do that over so wtf is wrong with me. I NEED TO BE FIXED AND FAST !
Being a girl.
Being a girl is so stressful you have to have the right clothes and wear them the right way with certian things , you hair has to look nice , if you dont wear the latest trend or the prettyest make up your automatiically ugly.
You have to go through your period once a month... okay so periods.. i got mine when i was in grade seven and they say in like half a year you should know when to expect it and it shoudl have a scheduale, lol no. That was no my case i jsut randomly got it whenever sometimes twice a month then sometimes i wouldnt get it for like 3 months , sometimes for 3 days then sometimes for 9. Yeah my body dosnt funstion right , i always had really really really really bad acne and it was gross but know its way less i still have it just not nearly as bad as i did, i need to thank my birthcontrol for that , its what has helped me an extreme amount. Girls are very emotional EVERY GIRL you see those tough girls out there but really they have feelings and cry too. Girls will cry about just pretty much everything from heartbreaks to disney movies ive experienced it all. I used to cry myself to sleep everynight because i new the next day was jsut going to be hell and repated over and over. I even fell asleep from cryinng fr 4 hours at the top of the stairs and slept their all night one time and somehow i didnt fall down the stairs which is very lucky for me. Theres no need for this anymore now that i have the kindest boyfriend in the whole i know that going to sleep every night and wakeing up everymoing is all worth it becuase i have him and somebody actually loves me.
Well i intended on writing alot more than this but by Mother is yelling at me to go to bed , even though i JUST WOKE UP AN HOUR AGO because i slept from 7-10. But good night .
Ive been really depressed just recently , well i always have been sicne like grade nine i even take gay ass pills which i dont really take because they are ssupposed to make me happy and they actually work i just hate takeing them because i feel like they make me someone who im not. Inn grade nine i was jsut always really depressed about alot of shit and things werent the greatest for me and i always talked about how i was going to commit suiceide but the one time my mom really got me mad i accidently said it out loud and then she starting thinking i needed a ounsiler or whatever a person you talk to about this stuff but that didnt help me at all i hated it so much, telling a random person you jsut met all about yoour life in detail isnt my thing. Grade ten came along and i was sstill a bit troubled by all this but overall i was really happy bout things, and now here i am in grade eleven and well really i have all a person could ask for, my family loves me (minus all the times i get bitched at) , i have a lot of friends and they are amazing , and i have the ideal boyfriend everygirl asks for. So whats wrong ? I HAVE NO IDEA! really i dont know and it dirves me nuts knowing im depressed about things and cut myself and i dont know why i do liek there really is no reason , okay well theres like a million things wrong with my life but there nothing to do that over so wtf is wrong with me. I NEED TO BE FIXED AND FAST !
Being a girl.
Being a girl is so stressful you have to have the right clothes and wear them the right way with certian things , you hair has to look nice , if you dont wear the latest trend or the prettyest make up your automatiically ugly.
You have to go through your period once a month... okay so periods.. i got mine when i was in grade seven and they say in like half a year you should know when to expect it and it shoudl have a scheduale, lol no. That was no my case i jsut randomly got it whenever sometimes twice a month then sometimes i wouldnt get it for like 3 months , sometimes for 3 days then sometimes for 9. Yeah my body dosnt funstion right , i always had really really really really bad acne and it was gross but know its way less i still have it just not nearly as bad as i did, i need to thank my birthcontrol for that , its what has helped me an extreme amount. Girls are very emotional EVERY GIRL you see those tough girls out there but really they have feelings and cry too. Girls will cry about just pretty much everything from heartbreaks to disney movies ive experienced it all. I used to cry myself to sleep everynight because i new the next day was jsut going to be hell and repated over and over. I even fell asleep from cryinng fr 4 hours at the top of the stairs and slept their all night one time and somehow i didnt fall down the stairs which is very lucky for me. Theres no need for this anymore now that i have the kindest boyfriend in the whole i know that going to sleep every night and wakeing up everymoing is all worth it becuase i have him and somebody actually loves me.
Well i intended on writing alot more than this but by Mother is yelling at me to go to bed , even though i JUST WOKE UP AN HOUR AGO because i slept from 7-10. But good night .
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